September’s days were chaotic races against the clock. I’ve accomplished more in the past 30 days than I did all summer. I’m stressed, but I’m happy; I only feel fulfilled when I’m experiencing a serious deficit of sleep.
Perhaps my Gemini disposition can be blamed for my repulsion toward anything that teeters on the verge of boredom. I love to be constantly moving and changing. My thoughts were rapid and determined this month, leading me out of a personal cycle of fantasies falling short of reality.
I think I’m coping okay with the loss of what I wanted. As it turns out, what I actually have is better.
I’ve finally digested this truth: the people in your life should be there for you as much as you’re there for them. My constant need to make everything work, even when it’s clearly not working, has caused some one-sided situations. September has been an overload of clarity; at first it made me a little dizzy with grief, but now I realize that I have nothing to miss.
So, here’s September in songs because there’s no other way to describe the things that I’ve felt. All I know for sure is that the air is getting a little brisker, my all-black wardrobe has made its debut, and I feel loved.
“From the Dining Table” by Harry Styles
“Comfortable silence is so overrated. Why won’t you ever be the first one to break?” It’s cool to feel strong, but it’s also okay to be hurt. You don’t need to push everything away.
“Breakfast In Bed” by Train
“You’re the best book I ever read. You’re the smartest thing I ever said.” You’ll only feel hurt because it used to be something good. This song is a reminder to appreciate that, rather than resent it.
“New Person, Same Old Mistakes” by Tame Impala
“Feel like a brand new person.” I do feel like a brand new person by allowing myself to chase the things that matter to me now. It’s okay to change your mind when it’s a result of learning. It’s not okay to keep making the same mistakes over and over.
“Writer In the Dark” by Lorde
“I am my mother’s child– I’ll love you ‘til my breathing stops.” I know that there are some people who I will love forever, even if they stop loving me. I don’t think that this is a flaw anymore. I also think that you can still care about someone from a distance, without really being in their life. (Or at least, that’s what September thinks. October may prove this theory to be wrong.)
“In the Sun” by Sonic Blume
“You can’t leave yet. We may forget.” There’s an openness beyond the overthinking and the regret. There’s a beauty in the faith that we’ll never forget. Even if details can vanish, love is immortal, living somewhere within every tear and smile.
See you next month.
P.S. The art at the top of this post is from Ambivalently Yours on Instagram. The art itself is a big mood; the artist’s name is an even bigger mood.